Who knows anymore

I don’t know if it is less dangerous for me to interact with others, or more.
Today, aside from regular work interactions, I pretty much stayed in solitude. On the inside.
Everything was turning me off, including many of my close relations.
I spoke for show, not because I actually wanted to.
Actually, I didn’t want to.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m wasting my time with some people in my life.
You learn so much about people as life goes on.
And as I sit here not being able to sleep, I’m getting even more turned off at the idea of a lack of noticeability that something is wrong, on their end.

I have not blogged in a while on a personal note and I can honestly say it feels great, no matter what the content.
Bottling up feelings is really stupid in my opinion so I’m going to release them somehow.
I’m sitting here…it’s 1:30 am and my mind is “on” there’s no sleeping happening here.

Going back to that idea on if it is more dangerous for me to be in my own thoughts because even though I am sober, these thoughts are having a vicious snowball effect…not in a good way.

Are my expectations of people too high? I just don’t know. I keep playing around with that idea of letting go of all expectations but fuck it’s hard.

How do you define what true friends are? Or what real love is?
Can ‘true’ and ‘real’ still be true and real if they are only sometimes-ish?

Right now, there are so many unanswered questions and all I can say is I feel very alone.

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Exhale

She’s so high – she reach the sky..
Look into her eyes, she’s so high.
She lives inside a cloud, her silence is loud.
She screams without a sound, so profound..

– Charles Hamilton
(Loveeeeee this song, it’s called ‘She’s So High.’ Helps me get through a day, it’s different and the lyrics are dope.)

A thought demonstration.

I can’t sleep ‘cuz I’m up thinking about what I truly feel, and how I read into everything. How I think, what I see.
My life and what it is..I’m unsure about.
What I verbalize and what I think are different enough that I can question.
I would rather just not speak.
I would rather erase it all if I could.
I feel so stupid, and so trapped.

Free my mind.

This week seems to be more difficult for me than most weeks for some reason.
I’m just in one of those horrible moods.  You would think, my birthday being a day or so ago, that I would be ecstatic..  not the case.   I have realized a lot in less than 5 days.
I have pretty high expectations for people, and when they are not satisfied I get super frustrated and aggravated.   Is it bad to have such high expectations for people I wonder…  But why not?  You have to set the bar high in life, no?
Nothing is more disappointing than when someone you care about lets you down, especially when you are expecting them to really come through, and they don’t.  When they think they did something great and in your eyes, it’s like.. reallyYou think you did something special?  Why didn’t you do more? I would have.

Next, I’m also having some issues with the idea of people who supposedly “care about you”, being able to block stuff out.  When two people have a falling out, whether it be friends or a couple, how is it not on their mind until it’s resolved?  If they truly do care?  I have huge problems with this.  I think that if someone can block something out that easily, that they really don’t care about the other that much.  If they did, they would have to resolve it to be at peace.  It’s my opinion anyway.

Am I wrong? Or are my expectations of people too high? I really want some comments on this one, because my bad mood lately has been due to people not meeting my expectations and then getting let down.  Does it mean these are just the wrong people to have in my life, or am I just over-analyzing?

|not numb yet but getting there|