I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight:
With all the stress and all those fights
Erase your existence from my mental sight.
I forgive I forgot, or so I tell myself often
I can’t dwell on you locked in
I don’t hate that you are him
I need closure I think I’m dying to reveal your sins
Don’t know if maybe I would feel that was my win…
Intense sexual energy gets someone’s heart broken,
Mine, hers – or maybe yours.
Either way I need these dreams to stop reoccurring,
So I can free my mind
and continue maturing.
Each day of my life gets more intense with its’ learning lessons…
I have realized how difficult dealing with people really is; Even more difficult however, is dealing with myself and my inner thoughts.
Sometimes, I just don’t know what to do anymore, aside from write.
I learned lately that you just can’t be right all the time, it’s actually quite exhausting.
I’m surrendering to the high-road. Perhaps it’s the only way to free myself.
I talk a lot about this concept of “freeing myself” – I still have not figured this path out yet… It’s a daily struggle. I think it has something to do with forgiveness.
I get really happy with the little things..
I wake up with purpose when I have a clear mind.
I hate repeating myself..
I can’t stand poor communication.
I need to work on my discipline..
I’m really good at showing my love..
unfortunately, I’m too analytical.
And I learned, that by caring too much – you only hurt yourself.
I don’t know if it is less dangerous for me to interact with others, or more.
Today, aside from regular work interactions, I pretty much stayed in solitude. On the inside.
Everything was turning me off, including many of my close relations.
I spoke for show, not because I actually wanted to.
Actually, I didn’t want to.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m wasting my time with some people in my life.
You learn so much about people as life goes on.
And as I sit here not being able to sleep, I’m getting even more turned off at the idea of a lack of noticeability that something is wrong, on their end.
I have not blogged in a while on a personal note and I can honestly say it feels great, no matter what the content.
Bottling up feelings is really stupid in my opinion so I’m going to release them somehow.
I’m sitting here…it’s 1:30 am and my mind is “on” there’s no sleeping happening here.
Going back to that idea on if it is more dangerous for me to be in my own thoughts because even though I am sober, these thoughts are having a vicious snowball effect…not in a good way.
Are my expectations of people too high? I just don’t know. I keep playing around with that idea of letting go of all expectations but fuck it’s hard.
How do you define what true friends are? Or what real love is?
Can ‘true’ and ‘real’ still be true and real if they are only sometimes-ish?
Right now, there are so many unanswered questions and all I can say is I feel very alone.
I just realized how long it’s been since I wrote in my blog.
Read my last entry and thought.. yup.. that’s pretty accurate to my current feeling.
A lot has been on the go, a lot has been on the mind.
Very excited about my new business venture which I will be promoting soon.
I pretty much talk about it all the time indirectly, hint hint.
Feel like I’m at a good place in my life…for the most part.
Life is interesting you know, puts you through situations that truly test your strength…test your direction. I am being tested and the truth is, I have no idea how I’m holding up.
As I sit here eating lots of candy I think to myself how important it is to fight for things that are important to you.
Business goals, life dreams, beliefs, love, values..
I’m saying many things I know yet not really saying anything at all.
Who cares, at least I know what I’m talking about.
The beauty of blogging.
I sit and dream
I sit and wait
I think and hate
on obstacles of my fate
I love I listen
I learn I try
a tear falls down
while time passes me by
I write I speak
I feel the heat
I feel it all
I feel it all..
I’m not sure if I’m cool with total strangers knowing my whole life story through social media.
At first I thought Facebook was too much, so I got rid of it – but now, people from all over the world can not only follow your life through imagery but can save your personal pictures to their phones and hard drives via Instagram.
One thing becomes cool but on a flip side can be very dangerous.
What do we do when we want to keep up with the times, but more importantly want to remain a private person? You almost get caught up posting bullshit when you join these things.
It’s almost impossible to do both.
I mean, when did it become cool for everyone to know all of your business?
Check this out, I read it not too long ago – the video is creepy!
To arrive at a good place within, it begins with looking at ourselves. Our actual selves.
Mindfulness is something we don’t think about often enough;
Being aware of who we are, how we act and come off to others…
How we may sometimes thrust our opinions on others..
Sometimes we are the problem, and when we aren’t – sometimes we just need to shrug things off.
Life is not really that serious.
We need to open our minds to what’s out there, or in front of us.
Hold on to the genuine souls around you.
Be less irritable, less emotional, less dissatisfying to be around.
Just enjoy people, and moments.
If you aren’t growing more each day, you aren’t living life to your highest potential.
So much has happened in my mind over the last week or two. I must say I am mentally exhausted.
Life is a crazy series of events.
One day you are happy, the next you are in tears.
One day you are living a truthful content life,
The next you catch yourself answering a lie.
I’m trying to figure out what I want out of:
Love, friendships, family relationships, career, and health.
I’m trying to build habits and stick to them.
I’m trying to care less about certain things, and more about others.
I’m trying to be less emotional. Lower my expectations of people.
Overall, I just want to be a better person. Lighter in the mind.
The new year is coming and it’s all about goals and shit, but really I’m still seeking the same goal I’ve had forever and that is inner happiness.
I think I’m getting closer to figuring out what I have to do to actually get it.
In times of need, in times when you really need people –
You start to realize that the ones you consider close to you..
well, just aren’t as close as you thought.
Opening my eyes,
Opening my ears
To my reality.
A cold dark space – frigid as hell I laid there uncomfortable.
This goes out to those who never cared enough to offer me a warm place.
I mean that literally, and in other ways.
I can’t force people to care to the level I do or did, for them.
and it actually breaks my heart..
that those people won’t see it until it’s too late.
But in times of desperate need, the blurred becomes clear.
Turns into tears,
Turns into stillness