I get really happy with the little things..
I wake up with purpose when I have a clear mind.
I hate repeating myself..
I can’t stand poor communication.
I need to work on my discipline..
I’m really good at showing my love..
unfortunately, I’m too analytical.
And I learned, that by caring too much – you only hurt yourself.
I sit and dream
I sit and wait
I think and hate
on obstacles of my fate
I love I listen
I learn I try
a tear falls down
while time passes me by
I write I speak
I feel the heat
I feel it all
I feel it all..
save me from this world I know, where expectations are so high
living the city life where nothing seems good enough
and misery comes over me from things not going my way
and a 9-5er gives you the excuse to be lazy and let yourself go
save me from this world I know where it all seems like a dead end
and my mood becomes controlled by something as minimal as not closing a deal
when did it get to this where everything seems to be so stressful, is that just.. adulthood?
bring me to that world that exists in the universe where everyone is so humbled and happiness means breathing or getting the chance to eat an ice cream cone with your friend
or even just.. the ability to be positive
some days I may seem ungrateful – other days it’s like screw it, this is the society we live in, we are all hungry for more and if you aren’t upset at your situation then you are too comfortable
But what I’m struggling with is, which individual would be happier?
‘Cuz that’s all I care about and want
save me from this mental torture of ups and downs, and fly me to my serenity
I guess I just have to.. save myself by not letting my thoughts get the best of me
A step away.. A breath too late
Can’t mask the way my emotions play
Day by day, I get mixed up
And it’s fucked up to see things get tough.. And it’s crazy to feel what you almost know.. Or don’t.
I don’t know anymore.
I’m having a really dark week.
And for some reason, it just got darker. Today.
I’m talking to God, something I don’t do often enough…and as this stream runs down my cheek, I’m praying, just for happiness.
I don’t know what else to pray for.
As you go through life, you seek answers. But when you go through a cycle that seems so vicious, and never-ending.. it just gets overwhelming.
I fight passionately, a lot. With people, family.. myself.
And sadly…I just feel like I’m done fighting, done trying to prove points.
I don’t know what else to say, or how to really feel.
I’m tired of defending myself, I’m tired of taking mental beatings.. at work.. in life.. from people I care about so deeply..
Everybody has an agenda. Everyone, no matter how close they seem, have their true opinions about you on the inside, whether they share them or not.
Usually, they wouldn’t – but their actions say it all.
I just don’t know what else to say.
For someone that has so many people around them,
I sure feel alone.
Over the past week, I’ve realized a lot about myself – and others. I learned that my tolerance level is not the highest.
I learned that I can’t stand being copied in any way, actually wait…I knew that since grade 4. I realized that my closest friendships are with more strong-minded individuals. Makes sense. I learned I’m even more territorial than I thought, but more so very sensitive. I learned that I’m way too honest, and have a big mouth. I know how to keep secrets but when it comes to something bothering me, I really have to say something. I just can’t shut my mouth, and I have next to no filter so….when it comes out, it really comes out! Yikes!
I can’t explain the level to which I need to change this.
I have solid bonds with some, and others just still don’t get me yet and vice-versa which, I suppose is okay.. for now.
But what I learned the most over the past week is this: be mindful of other people’s feelings because when you truly care about certain individuals, their feelings should be your priority. Especially in a relationship sense. Nothing is worse than watching your feelings become secondary where they should be primary. At the same time however, it’s easier just to fuck with people who get you, accept you and love you.
“I hate hating someone’s mentality. Or even certain aspects of it.”
Some people fight for the things they want with an undeniable passion,
Other’s just watch them drift away.. day by day.
Some people take great pleasure in lifting others up positively through words,
While other’s enjoy putting people down, just to make themselves feel better.
Some people pay attention to detail, showing they truly care.
Other’s exhaust people by constantly having to be taught things that are common sense.
Some people can admit that they just don’t know it all and have a lot to learn.
Other’s think and act like they know so much, when their entire demeanour speaks differently.
Some people are humble beings and realize everything is not all about them,
While other’s chose to act like spoiled brats, and have egos so large they are blinded by selfish clouds.
Some people are there for you, ride or die because they want to be.
With other’s it only seems that way when shit is easy, oh! and when they want to “look good”.
Some people just make life worth living.
Fuck the others, they just have way too much pride.
Today I learned just how alone I really am.
The things I felt, were all illusions, hopes.
I can’t lie, or deny.. that something will be different now,
and I can’t promise that will change.
This is probably what I had feared most,
that I would re-live a memory unwanted.
How can one be so blind at the pain they are causing another?
Why risk causing it in the first place, and then have to live with the regret that you did?
I … am starring at the screen trying to figure out what to write next.
There is nothing left to write, there is only the memory of being treated
like a complete stranger.
I thought you were different.
What a nightmare this has all been, so much for new experiences.
WARNING: Chunk of heart on the escape, please return in one piece (it cannot afford any more wounds), prize for safe return – a chance at real love.
As much as a strong part of me wants to feel defeated, I cannot accept that.
I will not allow a shitty sequence of events ruin what I know is supposed to be a successful destiny.
As I recover and rebuild myself from shattered everythings, I will always remember the feelings that I never want repeated. This is so. fucking. hard.
Being on the ground, there is only one direction to look and that is up, right?