Lights On

I get really happy with the little things..
I wake up with purpose when I have a clear mind.

I hate repeating myself..
I can’t stand poor communication.

I need to work on my discipline..
and consistency..

I’m really good at showing my love..
unfortunately, I’m too analytical.

And I learned, that by caring too much – you only hurt yourself.

Quotes on self realization

Who knows anymore

I don’t know if it is less dangerous for me to interact with others, or more.
Today, aside from regular work interactions, I pretty much stayed in solitude. On the inside.
Everything was turning me off, including many of my close relations.
I spoke for show, not because I actually wanted to.
Actually, I didn’t want to.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m wasting my time with some people in my life.
You learn so much about people as life goes on.
And as I sit here not being able to sleep, I’m getting even more turned off at the idea of a lack of noticeability that something is wrong, on their end.

I have not blogged in a while on a personal note and I can honestly say it feels great, no matter what the content.
Bottling up feelings is really stupid in my opinion so I’m going to release them somehow.
I’m sitting here…it’s 1:30 am and my mind is “on” there’s no sleeping happening here.

Going back to that idea on if it is more dangerous for me to be in my own thoughts because even though I am sober, these thoughts are having a vicious snowball effect…not in a good way.

Are my expectations of people too high? I just don’t know. I keep playing around with that idea of letting go of all expectations but fuck it’s hard.

How do you define what true friends are? Or what real love is?
Can ‘true’ and ‘real’ still be true and real if they are only sometimes-ish?

Right now, there are so many unanswered questions and all I can say is I feel very alone.

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Release

I just realized how long it’s been since I wrote in my blog.
Read my last entry and thought.. yup.. that’s pretty accurate to my current feeling.
A lot has been on the go, a lot has been on the mind.
Very excited about my new business venture which I will be promoting soon.
I pretty much talk about it all the time indirectly, hint hint.
Feel like I’m at a good place in my life…for the most part.
Life is interesting you know, puts you through situations that truly test your strength…test your direction. I am being tested and the truth is, I have no idea how I’m holding up.
As I sit here eating lots of candy I think to myself how important it is to fight for things that are important to you.
Business goals, life dreams, beliefs, love, values..
I’m saying many things I know yet not really saying anything at all.
Who cares, at least I know what I’m talking about.
The beauty of blogging.

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When Love is not Godly.

How can it be possible that something man-made can compete with something completely natural?
It can’t.
Or can it?
When did life become so rigid?
I think, I feel, and I want to say: it’s all pretty stupid…
But hey, that’s just my free-spirited opinion.
Have you ever felt vigorously trapped and beautifully free – simultaneously…?

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Careful observation.

To arrive at a good place within, it begins with looking at ourselves. Our actual selves.
Mindfulness is something we don’t think about often enough;
Being aware of who we are, how we act and come off to others…
How we may sometimes thrust our opinions on others..
Sometimes we are the problem, and when we aren’t – sometimes we just need to shrug things off.
Life is not really that serious.
We need to open our minds to what’s out there, or in front of us.
Hold on to the genuine souls around you.
Be less irritable, less emotional, less dissatisfying to be around.
Just enjoy people, and moments.
If you aren’t growing more each day, you aren’t living life to your highest potential.

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Healing my inner self

So much has happened in my mind over the last week or two. I must say I am mentally exhausted.
Life is a crazy series of events.
One day you are happy, the next you are in tears.
One day you are living a truthful content life,
The next you catch yourself answering a lie.
I’m trying to figure out what I want out of:
Love, friendships, family relationships, career, and health.
I’m trying to build habits and stick to them.
I’m trying to care less about certain things, and more about others.
I’m trying to be less emotional. Lower my expectations of people.
Overall, I just want to be a better person. Lighter in the mind.
The new year is coming and it’s all about goals and shit, but really I’m still seeking the same goal I’ve had forever and that is inner happiness.
I think I’m getting closer to figuring out what I have to do to actually get it.

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A cold dark space.

In times of need, in times when you really need people –
You start to realize that the ones you consider close to you..
well, just aren’t as close as you thought.
Opening my eyes,
Opening my ears
To my reality.
A cold dark space – frigid as hell I laid there uncomfortable.
This goes out to those who never cared enough to offer me a warm place.
I mean that literally, and in other ways.
I can’t force people to care to the level I do or did, for them.
It’s sad,
and it actually breaks my heart..
that those people won’t see it until it’s too late.
But in times of desperate need, the blurred becomes clear.
Anger
Turns into tears,
Turns into stillness
Turns into
Resentment.

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Birthday love.

This year was a humbled birthday.
Spent with only those I truly care about.
As I get older I care less about going out, spending lots of money..and being out in the cold.
This year my birthday was filled with love, and just being in the present moment. Taking it in.
Chinese food, desserts, champagne, thoughtful words, beautiful surprises.
My family, my friends, my love.
Exactly what I wanted.

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What does it mean to be close?

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Closeness is a deep understanding of another being.
It’s about moving forward on misunderstandings, and quickly.
It really begins when you are truly able to let that person in.
Closeness is about having a bond that does not die easily.
Friendships, love, family…
It represents utmost trust, honesty even when that person does not want to hear it, maturity.. recognition, and the ability to be happy for another being, even when you aren’t feeling it yourself.
A closeness is when smart people simply
don’t let each other down.