Who knows anymore

I don’t know if it is less dangerous for me to interact with others, or more.
Today, aside from regular work interactions, I pretty much stayed in solitude. On the inside.
Everything was turning me off, including many of my close relations.
I spoke for show, not because I actually wanted to.
Actually, I didn’t want to.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m wasting my time with some people in my life.
You learn so much about people as life goes on.
And as I sit here not being able to sleep, I’m getting even more turned off at the idea of a lack of noticeability that something is wrong, on their end.

I have not blogged in a while on a personal note and I can honestly say it feels great, no matter what the content.
Bottling up feelings is really stupid in my opinion so I’m going to release them somehow.
I’m sitting here…it’s 1:30 am and my mind is “on” there’s no sleeping happening here.

Going back to that idea on if it is more dangerous for me to be in my own thoughts because even though I am sober, these thoughts are having a vicious snowball effect…not in a good way.

Are my expectations of people too high? I just don’t know. I keep playing around with that idea of letting go of all expectations but fuck it’s hard.

How do you define what true friends are? Or what real love is?
Can ‘true’ and ‘real’ still be true and real if they are only sometimes-ish?

Right now, there are so many unanswered questions and all I can say is I feel very alone.

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Release

I just realized how long it’s been since I wrote in my blog.
Read my last entry and thought.. yup.. that’s pretty accurate to my current feeling.
A lot has been on the go, a lot has been on the mind.
Very excited about my new business venture which I will be promoting soon.
I pretty much talk about it all the time indirectly, hint hint.
Feel like I’m at a good place in my life…for the most part.
Life is interesting you know, puts you through situations that truly test your strength…test your direction. I am being tested and the truth is, I have no idea how I’m holding up.
As I sit here eating lots of candy I think to myself how important it is to fight for things that are important to you.
Business goals, life dreams, beliefs, love, values..
I’m saying many things I know yet not really saying anything at all.
Who cares, at least I know what I’m talking about.
The beauty of blogging.

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Deliberate Practice.

There are things that I don’t want to hear, but people tell me anyway.
There are feelings I don’t want to experience, but that I have..and currently deal with everyday.
And there are lessons that can only be taught deliberately…teach them.