7 steps backwards.

Today I learned just how alone I really am.
The things I felt, were all illusions, hopes.
I can’t lie, or deny.. that something will be different now,
and I can’t promise that will change.
This is probably what I had feared most,
that I would re-live a memory unwanted.
How can one be so blind at the pain they are causing another?
Why risk causing it in the first place, and then have to live with the regret that you did?
I … am starring at the screen trying to figure out what to write next.
There is nothing left to write, there is only the memory of being treated
like a complete stranger.
I thought you were different.
What a nightmare this has all been, so much for new experiences.


WARNING:
Chunk of heart on the escape, please return in one piece (it cannot afford any more wounds), prize for safe return – a chance at real love.

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Murphy’s Law.

As much as a strong part of me wants to feel defeated, I cannot accept that.
I will not allow a shitty sequence of events ruin what I know is supposed to be a successful destiny.
As I recover and rebuild myself from shattered everythings, I will always remember the feelings that I never want repeated. This is so. fucking. hard.
Being on the ground, there is only one direction to look and that is up, right?

Building

I was bothered by all this change..
but I’ve realized that it’s just a challenge in disguise and finally, I’m up for it.
I have to get out of this comfortable feeling and just rise to the occassion.
I’ve never had to do this before, but I’m going to look at it as a growth opportunity.
Each time just builds and builds, stronger and stronger… until the one day where it will just be…
undeniable.

The Vicious Cycle.

I have none but myself to blame for my frustrations.
My head is pounding, and I’m restorting.. to old habits.
I don’t feel sorry for myself, I just want to be something that I am not.
I just want to have, things that I don’t..
Constantly in a state of unknown, just a continuous cycle. A circle that keeps outlining itself. Vicious.
The fix is temporary, and now finally… finally, it explains my discomfort in those environments. Socially. I hate this.
I hate that life is passing me by, and what the heck am I doing about it?
Perfection, I realized is unattainable – but at least some people come close.
I know that being down on yourself can be damaging, but fuck – sometimes we all need that kick in the ass to make change happen.

Positive Energy

Today I was inspired by many different things.
I went to this networking event and met some outstanding people… seen some incredible businesses,
but what I took the most from it was that you should not take your business ideas for granted. Even the smallest of things, can become a profitable business for you as there are so many niche markets. Also, talk can only get you so far.
I feel so great about this year, and the growth and knowledge that I’m going to obtain.
I love the people I am surrounded with as well.
Your affiliates really do play a huge part of your success, and I want to continue to strengthen that circle but first, I need to do something – and not just anything. Or maybe anything.
I just know I feel motivated.

My truth regarding 2013.

It’s a new year and everyone is rushing to get their goals together, or resolutions I should say..
Hmm.. all I can say is I just want to be a better me, and that means becoming aware of bad habits or unadmirable traits and fixing them.
I hate forecasting, making all these big plans, etc. I just know what I want to do or have, in my head.  It’s not that I don’t see the point in making goals (okay I really don’t), but this is life – things happen along the way.  I just say keep quiet and get shit done, stop talking.
What difference does it make being January?
How come nobody is doing goals in April, or November?  What happened to diets and budgeting strategies then.. do they not exist?  To me it’s a bunch of bullshit, this new years stuff.  I’m not saying to procrastinate or to drop big dreams.
Just, less talk and more actions that’s all.
When you say shit, people hold you accountable and you should hold yourself too.
My new years resolutions have went down over the years from long lists of bullet points to basic words and this year some of them are: happiness, simplicity, business, trust, truth and love.

Pointless. One day at a time.

I always thought it was other people who just don’t get it, but now I’m wondering if it’s just me.
I admit that I can be delusional at times, but damn it’s not like I want to be.
I care way too much man, almost like I’m the stupid one.
I keep saying that I see what’s right in front of me, but do I really?
Maybe I’m too confrontational and I should stop being that way.
Is it best to keep things to yourself and just observe from afar?  Or should I continue to voice my opinions… I don’t know.
I think I will take on a new method, see what happens.
I don’t even know who I’m close to anymore.
I think I need to let go of my expectations, for real this time.
I don’t know what kind of life that is to live but it seems it would be easier.
My eyes are wide open but my mouth is going to stay shut because trust me, no one wants to hear what I really have to say and at this point I’ve lost interest in sharing.
It’s going to be an interesting new year.

Winning.

catinblanketI feel happy.
I feel together, and excited.
I feel ready.
Today is going to be a good day, as yesterday was.
Tomorrow is going to be a good day, as today is.
I can laugh, understand, and smile.
I can be me.

Trusting isn’t easy.

I believe that one day I will learn how to trust entirely, but it won’t come until I get over everything that anyone has ever done to me for me to lose it.
And I will have to watch people’s actions even more carefully.
Trust is so hard for me man, I don’t know how to explain it but it just is.
I almost feel like it’s such a dog eat dog world that … it’s impossible to have complete faith in others. Actions don’t add up to words.. people lie to your face.. some do deceitful things when they are upset.. one way one day, another way the next.
Betrayal occurs in so many forms.
I try to trust, but deep down inside I’m always questioning.
I want to let go of this feeling so I can finally be free and more relaxed, but.. I just haven’t been able to knock this…hopefully soon, I did say I wanted happiness.
I guess I’m afraid that trusting in others won’t give me that.
Gosh, I just want somebody – anybody to just prove me wrong.